The Ballad of Arthur and Molly
by Queens of HG
Summary: This is what happens when Imogen and Ashwinder are left without proper supervision. Molly and Arthur have a conversation. A filk.


The Ballad of Arthur and Molly **__**

A/N: Ashwinder and Imogen are blushing to present their first foray into filk. We never should be let out unsupervised, and we apologise unreservedly to JKR and her characters and Victoria Wood's [**_'Ballad of Barry and Freda'_**][1]**_ which we have shamelessly ripped off!_**

****

The Ballad of Arthur and Molly

Arthur and Molly sat one night:  
The sky was clear, the stars were bright,  
The wind was soft, the moon was up;  
Molly drained her cocoa cup.  
She licked her lips, she felt power,  
She switched off WWN's _Wizarding Hour_;  
Arthur cringed in fear and dread  
As Molly grabbed his robes and said: 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
Do it while the mood is right;  
I'm feeling appealing,  
I've really got an appetite.  
I'm on fire with desire:  
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir;  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

But he said:  
I can't do it, I can't do it,  
I believe we've had too much sex;  
This fashion for passion  
Has turned us into nervous wrecks.  
No derision, my decision:  
I'd rather watch the Muggles on the velly-tision;  
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight! 

So she said:  
Let's do it, let's do it,  
Do it till our hearts go boom;  
Go native, creative:  
Living in the living room.  
I'm stable, I'm able,  
Bend me over backwards on my coffee table;  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

I can't do it, I can't do it,  
My heavy breathing days are gone;  
I'm older, feel colder,  
It's other things that turn me on.  
I'm imploring, I'm boring:  
Let me learn the rules of cricket scoring;  
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight! 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
Have a crazy night of love;  
I'll strip bare, I'll just wear  
Stilettos and an oven glove.  
Don't starve a girl of a palaver:  
Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava.  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

I can't do it, I can't do it,  
I know I'd only get it wrong;  
Don't angle for me to dangle,  
My arms have never been that strong.  
Stop moaning, stop groaning:  
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that de-gnoming;  
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight! 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
Share a night of wild romance;  
Frenetic, poetic:  
This could be your last big chance  
To quote Milton, to eat Stilton,  
To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton;  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

I can't do it, I can't do it,  
I've got other little jobs on hand;  
Don't grouse around the house:  
I've got a busy evening planned.  
Stop nagging, I'm flagging:  
You know as well as I do that I'm not up for shagging;  
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight! 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
While I'm really in the mood;  
Three cheers, it's years  
Since I caught you even semi-nude.  
Get drastic, gymnastic:  
Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic;  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

I can't do it, I can't do it,  
I must refuse to get undressed;  
I feel silly, it's too chilly  
To go without my thermal vest.  
Don't choose me, don't use me:  
My mother sends a note to say you must excuse me;  
I can't do it I can't do it tonight! 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
I really absolutely must;  
I won't exempt you, want to tempt you,  
Want to drive you mad with lust.  
No cautions, just contortions:  
Smear love potion on my lower portions;  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

I can't do it, I can't do it,  
It's really not my cup of tea:  
I'm harassed, embarrassed:  
I wish you hadn't picked on me.  
No grudge, I won't budge  
I feel about as sensuous as Cornelius Fudge;  
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight! 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
I really want to run amok;  
Let's wiggle, let's jiggle,  
Let's really make the rafters rock.  
Be mighty, be flighty:  
Come and melt the buttons on my flameproof nightie;  
Let's do it, let's do it tonight! 

Let's do it, let's do it,  
I really want to rant and rave;  
Let's go, 'cos I know  
Just how I want you to behave:  
Not meekly, not bleakly,  
Beat me on the bottom with a _Witch Weekly_!  
But let's do it,  
Let's do it tonight... 

   [1]: http://www.worldofyak.com/flops/flops.cgi?page=lyrics&for=barry-and-freda



End file.
